The Best Advice I’ve gotten
“A partnership is not about filling in each other’s gaps or wounds. It’s about coming together to create a new reality”. This is the best advice i’ve ever gotten. It single handedly aided me in cultivating an important paradigm shift. I received this advice when I was nineteen, and had recently discovered my fear of emotionally available men. At the time I was newly heartbroken due to the fact that I pushed away a great guy because he was getting too close. The boy found himself a new partner, and I was hit with a new and painful understanding about myself. I had spent a lot of time complaining that the men I chose were emotionally unavailable, but looking deeper, it was really me who felt safer if they were “half in half out”. Perhaps there was a part of me that wasn’t fully available either. I had to come to terms with the fact that the pain of heartbreak was subconsciously a choice toward perceived safety. Deep down I really wanted to accept love, so I knew I had to dig deep to give myself a real shot at choosing something different.
I was thirteen when my parents split, and while this entry is not about that, it is an important piece of the puzzle. It is a given that divorce is never easy, but how the divorce is carried out sets a precedent for the whole family. In my case, my parents’ split was not amicable in the least. After many sessions in therapy, I learned how the divorce played a role in how I “do” relationships. In many ways, the boy that got away was a blessing, in that it allowed me to understand the wounds I needed to fix in order to conduct a successful partnership.
The road to healing is rarely an easy one. Once you recognize the problem, you must face it. It’s a time that I like to describe as “letting the light in through the cracks”. Looking back, what made my journey towards healing feasible, was the mere fact that I was open to it. That meant that I was more open to receiving. That brings me to this special piece of advice.
To quote it again, “A partnership is not about filling in each other’s gaps or wounds. It is about coming together to create a new reality”. I resonate with this advice the most, because it suddenly presented me with choices when I felt the most stuck.
I really enjoy observing people. I especially enjoy observing relationships. I am no psychologist, but from my own perspective I see that at the core, there are two types of relationships. One, is a relationship I like to call “the cleaning up of foggy mirrors”, and the other I see as a true understanding of a partnership. The latter explains the first part of the advice “A relationship is not about filling in each other’s gaps or wounds”, pretty well. Usually that couple gets together with the mindset of, “this person is going to fix the wrongs in my life. Her/she will make me happy”. As time goes on, those expectations are not met, and the relationship becomes one of painful but deep self discovery. It’s purpose is for you to finally clean your foggy mirror, so you can see yourself honestly and clearly. Those were my painful “half in half out” relationships. I went through a few before I finally unfogged my mirror and looked inward. I chose those painful relationships because internally I was too afraid to jump in myself.
The second Relationship is a true partnership. I am lucky enough to have friends and family in this kind of relationship whom I can witness. This relationship is usually built on friendship, growth oriented mindsets, and two people who are constantly open to working on bettering themselves. In essence, this is two people who have cleaned their mirrors, and can recognize when their mirrors are fogging up again. To put it simply, it’s two people who have done their work, and can now create space for each other. I recognize that this view sounds highly simplistic for a topic as complex as relationships are. I personally took on this view because it gives me two points of reference, each one on opposite sides of the spectrum.
If I can paint a picture of both couples, the foggy mirrored couple would face each other, going head to head. The Second couple would stand together side by side, holding hands, ready to come together and create a new reality. This piece of advice provides me with an understanding of the choice I want to make.
Ps. I know this post is specifically about romantic relationships, but if you really think about, our lives are made up of relationships. Whether it’s romantic, friendships, our relationship with our art, co-workers, and most importantly, ourselves. How you show up to these relationships is what creates the foundation for how successful it will be.
